The Unfortunate Familiarity of Petruchio

by Andrew Michael Flynn

Lords and ladies, thank you for coming to Padua today. I need no introduction, but just in case there are some new people or the fake jesters in the back, I am Petruchio. I am a great husband to my wife, Katherine, Katherine, where are you, oh there you are, stand up Katherine. (Katherine briefly stands with a partially-straight face) Okay, Katherine, you can sit back down, I don’t want you hogging all the time we have here tonight. At first, I will be honest, I’m an honest guy, I was a little terse with Katherine. Showed her exactly who I was and the seriousness of what I mean. She came around though, she’s a good wife, that Katherine. We get along well, and our lives are better for it.

Countrymen, it is important at home to let everyone know who is in charge, for it is the man of the household. In this case, it is I, Petruchio, man of my own household. Everyone in my household says that I am definitely in charge and that I do it well. People say that mine brainmeat is some of the most learned and valuable of any kingdom or city, this is what I’m told, and everyone seems to agree. So in my household, everyone knows their roles and makes sure that the head of their household is taken care of first. Because if thou does not haveth order in your own household, then you don’t have a house. And if you don’t have a house in order this way then you have nothing but trouble. And who wants that anyway? No one, I say. Everyone would agree, as I’m sure you do.

Your speaker tonight Petruchio comes from humble means, however I made my wealth by being the best version of Petruchio that I can be. I know the power of gold, that is part of what what makes mine brainmeats so valuable. I wonder, you know, I wonder if they are more valuable than the gold I cherish. That’s a different kind of wealth, and it is delightful to have both. And now I am with Katherine, she is something special to me, and we have the household that is the envy of everyone else’s. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to get a tour of our country home one day, I don’t know.

Bianca, I see you, look at Bianca everyone, what a wonderful sister-in-law she is, take a bow, Bianca. (Bianca briefly stands and curtsies) All right, Bianca, you can sit down. Doesn’t she look wonderful, don’t you go too far Bianca, for I have some special whisperings for your ear later. Maybe even more than that. See, I know how to speak to all the maidens and the women in this world, it is a gift. I can tame any shrew, any woman. You just whisper in their ear something sweet, this is something they love, I guarantee it. Whisper nice things or possibly even more romantic things. I am a romantic person, one of the best romantic people, everyone knows this. That’s what you do, you bet, you whisper right in their ear, people love it. It’s like a magnet. Just whisper. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a great household leader with wealth, they let you do it. You can do anything.

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